I miss Jordan, I miss my extended family, I miss the food, I miss my child.

It's different being home but I'm thankful all the same. 2 months plus left of the wait and the next thing I know, I'll be in pain in the delivery room. And I'm not sure if I'm actually looking forward to that. -.-''

Too Little But Will It Be Too Late?

Death.

Just the mere word has me shivering with goosebumps. I don't know about the rest of you but that particular word has a chilling effect on me.

Growing up, fairy tales I usually read as a child always ended with these 3 words. 'Happily ever after.' But now as we grow older with more experience, you tend to question those particular 3 words. Since life is filled with it's usual bumps and bends, happily ever after doesn't really exist.

One problem after another, I'm sure no one is happy 24/7. What makes you happy defines you yourself with your surroundings. Sometimes we face problems, making us stressed and frustrated. Some problems may seem so troublesome while others might face them with ease. And that itself differs us from one another.

But one thing that would not and won't ever change, is to whom we should ever draw our strength from.

ALLAH.

 

To Him, and only Him, should we ever turn to. He knows what's best. He was the one who created every single being, living or otherwise. As the Creator, He knows what we are capable of and what we are not. 

Sometimes, we need to hit rock-bottom, and fall hard to the ground just to get back up stronger than before. To be stronger? Only He knows how. We're mere humans, not immortal deities who are capable of controlling our own destinies. So to lean on Him, is the best solution to everything. And only then will we realize that the term 'Happily ever after' only refers to the HereAfter or Akhirat.

But that too depends on how we take on every single day of our life. As my mum usually says, "Allah is not just at the sejadah. We should see Him everywhere. Islam is a way of life."

Every time I think back of what I've gone through, the hardships He put me through, I wish there were things I could change. But yes, you can never turn back time and redo every single action, or erase every single word you said back then. The past makes you who you are in the present, and what you do in the present, affects your future. So then, I think I have a lot of things I regret, my wrongful doings, the sins I've done, and the actions that made me pay dearly; but I pray that I will never regret everything He put me through.

Learning the hard way, that hitting rock-bottom, falling so hard that you think you would break into millions of pieces, is the best way to learn, and really learn from your mistakes. You learn to choose wisely and failing is just His way of reminding you of Him. 

Mere humans, remember? :)

I dedicate this post to my dearest friend, Zue, who is going through her own very hard time with her beloved father's death. Al-Fatihah...

Life and Poetry

I've always been a poetic person. I guess that's why songs with intricate or finely-woven lyrics capture my interest the most. Well, it's either that or a very good melody (or should I say catchy..) which holds my interest the longest.

I remember I used to write poetry as a way for me to let go of my innermost turmoil or when I'm trying to sort things out in my head. Most of the time, it helps me clear my head, but sometimes it makes me strive more and I'd probably end up more confused than ever.

I've started this blog for 3 years, yet you can still count the number of posts I've actually written. I'm starting to remember why I started writing in the first place. I'm starting remember what it feels like to hold onto a pen and writing all those words, or the soaring feeling I'd get whenever an inspiration hits me and I can't wait to type it into my laptop.

Maybe because I've lost my way for awhile, and I thought I've lost myself for good. Maybe when I started letting the black despair creep into my soul. Maybe it was when I stopped being the usual optimistic person I usually was and let myself drown in my sorrows instead of pushing myself to swim through it's currents.

And I'm sure it was when I started letting go of the hold I had to HIM, when I started to think of it as my inner death than to think that it was HIS blessing and attention. HIS love will always pull me through and I've learned the hard way, that I should never forget that it is HIM and will always be HIM.

Uptodate (huh, what?)

So here I am again after another hiatus (?).. Back again with another child on the way and my firstborn to be turning 3 this year.

Hmm... It seems that I've lost my 'mojo' when it comes to blogging. I have been pretty busy with stuff lately that sometimes it seems impossible for me to stay alert. (Huh!) Not to mention the pregnancy wears me down easily.

Honestly, I'm trying to figure out what to say in this entry but my rumbling stomach's getting the best of me.
Sooo... laters??

Back Again #2 ???

I think I'm coming down with a fever... This isn't good, AT ALL! It's going to disrupt my concentration and whatever I have planned for the rest of the week. But so far I'm trying to fight it off. Especially when we're cooking this Monday and we have our All-In-One next Friday. There is NO WAY I'm abandoning my 'usrah' at this time. This so very hectic time.

So I realize I haven't been blogging for awhile. I've been going through stuff lately. Some things that aren't meant for blogging... (Urmm...) And not to mention my lappy's been a pain and won't turn on. (Annoying said laptop charger's fault!)

I've been missing my extended family for awhile now. Immediate fam included though, especially my maternal grandma who's currently fighting against leukemia. I haven't been the best granddaughter to her for awhile. No contact whatsoever. Maybe it's my big mouth that I'm trying to avoid inflicting on her. Well, I can't really keep a secret from her, especially when I'm going through some rough times. But I'm not that mouthy with my own mother though. (I WONDER WHY...)

And I haven't spoken to my aunt from my mum's side as well. For awhile now... Well, try 3 years! I mean, she can totally hold a grudge against me. Who holds a grudge that long just because her niece wanted to get married?! Even Wan is okay with it. *sigh

Oh my... I have been pretty mouthy in this entry... *facepalm* Whatever then.

So I guess I'll see y'all whenever I decide to post again. *shrug*
Salam to all.

ALYSSA

Random #1

So here I am, once again. I'm pretty bummed out with the extremely sloooooooooooowwww WiFi. And since I seem to become severely attached to my computer for hours on end, I decided to keep it rather than pull it out almost everyday. it seriously turns people off when I don't pay the slightest to my surroundings...or them, to be exact.

So Riffy's finally here with me in Jordan, and I finally get to experience (again) the full-blown ups-and-downs of motherhood. Especially one of a 2 year-old toddler. Tiring, man! I'm seriously rethinking my decision for another baby. Another trouble to add to the mix? No, thank you.

Family Trip

Sorry, I haven't been blogging for a few days. My mind was cluttered and I was pretty sure that everyone will probably understand nothing of my posts. *grin cheekily

I cannot express how thrilled I am to have finally touched a horse yesterday. But not just any old horse, ARABIAN HORSES. Which have been proved to be the best of its kind. Genetic wise and all that.

I feel flashy though. My abaya was probably attracting a lot of attention. Especially with all the light bouncing off of me. :D But nevertheless, I had a good time, eye-opening rather than fun though. And came home tired but happy.

I thank You ya Allah, for giving me this experience.